Lost spoons, lessons learned.

Ever find yourself in a situation where you are interacting with a person you know well, or at least you thought you knew well? You look back on the time you knew this person and you remember something different. You remember a different person. You think know this person and then you do not. When or how did the knowledge change? Maybe you evolved and they regressed? You are not sure. 

It is unsettling to notice this. I suppose when you find yourself in a position where you are investing a large portion of your time (in this case, being awake) to this person that is can be unsettling. And tiring. How on earth is it so tiring? Why is interaction with this person so exhausting?

The interaction is now in the past, but you are still coping with the aftermath. You used up all your spoons and your reserves interacting with this person. My brain is walking in numerous directions trying to understand what happened? When did I stop knowing this person?

Instead of enjoying the moment, you are walking on needles, hot coals, and razor blades. You are willing yourself to be patient, to not lose your temper, and you count down the hours until the interaction is complete.

You want your spoons back. You want all of them back.

I want my spoons back. I will not get them back.

In the future, I will need to be more mindful of keeping my spoons for me.

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Closure? No thank you. I’ll pass.

While out for a walk the other morning, I found myself thinking about a past relationship that I was in. It was not really a relationship, but a fucked up situation I found myself in because of one reason, I was being paid attention to. I was falsely loved and I fell for it.

At the time, I was in my third year of feeling sorry for myself (self-inflicted depression). It was a bad time for me. I also found myself in a position I never thought I would find myself in, overweight. I could go into further backstory, but that is not what this entry is about. It is about the situation and why I found myself in it for 6 months.

It was a bad situation. The person I was involved with, came with complications I had a hard time casting aside –  this person had a family (another place I thought I would find myself in). When I say I was really feeling low and at my lowest point, this was it. Well, this was the beginning of it. Amazing what low self-esteem does to people.

The attention was a drug. I was being paid attention to and I wanted more. I would believe anything he said. This person wanted to spend time with me. This person wanted to take me places. This person wanted to put me on a pedestal. Most alluring to me at the time, this person found me beautiful. That is a power drug to be hooked on. When someone finds you beautiful, when you are feeling low and ugly, you do not want to let that go, no matter how damaging it is to you and to others indirectly involved.

Fortunately, I was able to break away. I distanced myself from the situation. The first couple of months were hard. I would attend functions, to find the person was there. Even if I could not see him at times, the person would also make sure I knew he was there. It was creepy. It was sad. It scared me. I became very wary of going to certain places for fear I would run into him.

Nine years later, I am looking back at it, wondering if I need closure. I do not think so.

This person was arrogant. This person had the ability to turn around fault and make you feel like you were the bad person in the situation. This person was verbally abusive (you do not call someone you love and “idiot”). This person was making me ignore my values and I felt really dirty about being a part of the situation. He told lies I wanted to hear. He would never leave the life he had. Why? He was the alpha male, or at least he wanted to believe that.

No. I do not need closure. I do not need to confront someone that I have no respect for. Why make the effort to suffer like that again?

I find myself thinking back on it because it was the last time I allowed myself to be in a bad situation. By walking away, I began a journey to find myself, the person I once was, before all the self-inflicted misery began. Nine years later, the journey is almost at the end.

No, I am not the person I was before the misery. I am a better person. I am a stronger person. I am me, again, and it feels good.

Goodbye 2013, hello 2014

2013 was a year that I consider to be one of the best and hardest years in my entire life. It all started with a desire to change. The first step was finally eliminating what bothered me first. Excess baggage.

I have always been a person that reflected too much on the past – wondering what could have been if I took a different path in life? I finally came to terms with my past, letting it go. I finally am not letting my past get in the way of living in the present, moving forward. Doing this has helped me meet the love of my life Ken Prush), reawakened the artistic me, and the strong me.

I might not know what the next month will bring for me and that’s ok. It will be a fun new world to explore.

Persevere.

After reading Jenny Lawson’s recent blog post, I felt a need to say something. I look back on the days when I felt this way, when I felt that there was no way out. It is a very dark place to be. There was no reason for it. My life was not terrible. I had good friends, a loving family and all the support I needed. However, in my mind, I felt I was a burden to those around me. They had their own lives to live, why should I force my troubles on to them? Why make them worry about me? I felt I was not worth it.

Fortunately, I was able to persevere and move past the feeling that the lack of self, the lack of emotions would never return. They can return. The will return. It will pass. I have found writing has worked the best for me. I sit down, and I write, either with pen and paper or via a keyboard. I keep writing, ignoring grammar or form. Once I feel a sense of clarity, I stop. I close the journal and I move on.

Sure, I still have my moments where I return to my dark place, but now I tell myself that it will pass. You have to tell yourself that it is “ok” to feel down every once and a while. In fact, allow yourself to feel down every once in a while. You are allowed to let your emotions or lack of emotions take control every now and then.

I share this because I know there are friends out there who have felt this way or are going through this. Life, your life is important. Your well-being is important. Every once in a while, it needs a reboot. Sometimes this is with exercise, sometimes through good old fashioned crying. Hell, screaming works too. Do what you need to do to get it out. Most important, realize that it will end. You will be better. You, too, will persevere.

Little lesson learned from allergy season

Today I learned what it feels like to melt into the floor.

You sit at your desk, minding your own business and then suddenly you find yourself feeling really heavy. Before you know it, you are on the floor, on your back, and you are helpless as your body starts melting away into the carpet. It’s crazy. Then came the laughter.

Note to self: next time take half a pill instead of two full pills.

Little Lesson learned.

12 steps to a better you…begin!

As part of my resolutions/goals for 2013, I vowed to take a look at my life. This is to be the last year of my thirties. I do not want to go into my 40’s looking back in regret, feeling sorry for myself, lacking confidence and pointing blame at every one else but myself. I want to go into my 40’s feeling strong and confident, proud of my choices, not afraid of what people think – even if my choices are against the grain. I would not be me if I was to fall in line like a lemming, now would I?

The first step was to find inspiration. I spent January reintroducing things that inspire me. My journal went with me everywhere in one form or another, waiting for that one moment when inspiration would hit. Whether it is bound or on my phone, I wrote down ideas, feelings, lists – anything that I want to preserve in written form. Then, on the weekends, I went to museums. I would wander from room to room, until I found the one piece that woke something up in me – Tall Figure IV by Alberto Giacometti at the Norton Simon Museum was the one such piece. I found my inspirational kickstart.

Finding inspiration will allow my dormant creative self to start the process of emerging from hibernation. It’s been a while since I lived a true creative life. The portrait of my nieces I created in December was initial nudge. But I still a more persistent nudge to wake up completely. While I allow my creative self to fully wake up, I decided that I am to spend the second month of 2013 looking at roadblocks.

The roadblocks are a little trickier. What are the road blocks? Negativity? Fear? Elitism? Doubt? Thankfully, I have the month of February to sort this out. Unfortunately, I have the month of February to sort this out.