The Creative List

I’m a list-type person. Whether daily, weekly, errand-related, or whatever I feel I need a list for, I use lists to get shit done. It works. It works for me. I follow the list, I complete one of the items, I check it off and I move on to the next item. I remain calm, I feel like (as preciously stated) shit gets done. 

However, there is one list that I fear and avoid, except to add to. The “Creativity” list. 

You would think this is the one list I would love attending to the most, right? No. Instead, I am wary of it. Why? I am not sure, but the list has been growing. Finally, I am aggressively attending to checking items of said list. 

Here are the first two. 

Creativity List No. 1: Five of Wands Tarot.  I am not sure why I had this at the top of my list (again, I have had this list for a while).  So, here it is, the “Five of Wands”. Color pencil, ink, in paper. 

Creativity List No. 2: “Labyrinth as a background element”. For this piece, I thought about going the Henson route, draw Hoggle or Jared. I have to be honest with you — I am not a fan of the movie. I went with a favorite, Pan’s Labyrinth”. Ink on paper, featuring a lot of stippling. 

Tomorrow I start No. 3.

Stay tuned. I should have it done next week. 


Returning to momentum

I have not been writing much lately. Well, that is not true. I have been writing, but journal writing. The writing I mean is the non-journal writing. Most often, I tend to have items I want to write about pop up in my head while I am in the shower, or on a walk, or driving. I will tell myself to write about those items when I make it to my computer. When I do get in front of my computer, I end up forgetting what I wanted to write about. Or, I lose the interest, the focus to do it.

Then I play variations of solitaire for thirty minutes.

This bit of writing here? I started this a week ago, perhaps two. I cannot remember. All I can remember is that I started it during the month of February (I saved the document with the month and year).

Thankfully, at the top of this saved document, I put together a list of items I wanted to write about. I suppose I will readdress this document now, one topic at a time, and post as I go along. It is time to blog again. I have been ignoring this for too long.

Let us see where my ramblings started: Social Media. Ugh. Right. Ok, let us do this.

Social Media. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I hate how it consumes my time. However, I do not feel comfortable getting rid of it permanently. I tried that last year. Perhaps I will make a go of it this year, again. When I tried last year, I deleted a lot of people. And it felt good. I also logged out for several months. This also felt good. At one point, I had my account ready to delete. I paused. I truly wanted to delete it, I did. But, as I had my mouse cursor over the “Delete,” I found I could not do it.

So how does this relate to Social Media and keeping my account? Social Media is the only way I can interact with some people I want to keep in my life. It is easy and it requires minimal effort. I am not very good at communicating with people. I tend to be one of those “out-of-sight-out-of-mind” people. Unless people are directly in front of me, I might never talk to anyone outside my main comfort zone. There are a small amount people in my comfort zone. Everyone else is sort of outside of that, by degrees.

I do not like texting. I prefer emailing – long form works better for me. Unfortunately, I need to be in the mood to sit down and compose and email. As for phones? I do not like to talk on the phone. I suffer from low self-esteem when I email or text someone and I do not hear back in a timely manner. I become anxious. I start running through all these scenarios as to why they are not responding back. I question myself: Am I being a bad friend because I am not more adamant about getting in touch. Is it that I am choosing the wrong form of communication? So I be reaching out more, via more avenues? Am I the one in the wrong? But friendships should go both ways, right? They should at least acknowledge me as well, right? I am not wrong. At least write a quick reply, that they will get back to me at a later point.

When they finally do, I calm down, but by that time, my desire to talk is gone. I am drained, either from feeling anxious, or I am doing something else I need to focus my time on.

So, Social Media remains a part of my life, to ease my need to quickly communicate.

This is a good point for me to stop, for now. There are at least five more items I want to get out there, but not today.

When a brain does not operate smoothly.

For a few weeks, braining has been hard. In particular, this week has been a really tough week to brain. Each morning started off alright. However, as the day progressed, my brain would give up the driver’s seat, letting the Bad Thoughts take the wheel. Never good. Never good at all.

Over the past two mornings, I have been working out what is going on in my brain. Why is this week so hard? Why does my brain have a hard time this week? What is my brain having difficulty processing? If referring to my brain as a machine, what is it stuck on? What broke? Where are the faulty parts?

Initial diagnostics found three problem areas: “Time. Being Scared. Being Lazy.”

Time has always been faulty. In the past, I have never found a good solution for fixing Time in relation to my brain. It is finite. It goes by quickly. It always sits there, tick-tick-ticking away, one second at a time.

Being Scared.
No, I am not talking about being scared of spiders, heights, or anything of that sort. What I am scared of is starting new things. I am terrified of starting new challenges. I am afraid of failure. I am not afraid of others considering me a failure. I am afraid of considering myself a failure.

Being Lazy.
Being lazy means sitting around all day, playing computer solitaire, goofing off on the interwebs, or not doing anything that I consider productive. I feel this most in my office. I have a mental association that my office is a place where I should be productive, doing productive tasks and projects, and making something of myself. Instead of doing productive tasks, I sit around, visit the same web sites, play the same games, tell myself to be productive, beat myself up for not being productive.

My husband thinks being lazy could be considered procrastination. Perhaps, it is a symptom of procrastination, which stems from Being Scared, which stems from Time. It always comes down to time for me.

I could ask myself why is this so hard to do? Why is it so hard for me to address/work on my own tasks/projects/problems? Maybe because when I look at my items, I feel bad. I feel afraid. This is a problem, because life is good. My life is really great. I am in a place where there is stability, support, and I have to ability to be who ever I want, do what ever I want. And I don’t. Instead, I hide away, behind errands, behind chores, behind little things that I feel are more important to take care of, right away, which leads me to looking at the clock, seeing how little time I have left (there is plenty of time), and I sit down to open up a Solitaire game which I will play for the next 30 minutes to an hour. And I have wasted an hour now. I have wasted an hour where I could have been productive. I beat myself up, I feel exhausted, and I give up. But tomorrow will be different.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

So, how do I fix the broken parts? Are there replacements? What do I need to do allow my brain to run, effectively, on all cylinders?

Maybe, I need to detach. Maybe instead of assignments or To Dos, I make them challenges. Or as the kids say, make it a game. Shit, even my organizing courses/books suggest making it into a game. Make it fun. I should try it out. Keep it simple to start. Already my brain is trying to break down and organize how I would make it a game. What would be the reward system? Is there a category breakdown? Levels?

I cannot go that far. I need to keep it simple.

I need to say, “if I _________, I can ________.”

Let us see if I can do this. Let us see if this “fix” can stick.

Assorted Inner Self-evaluation

Last week, I found I had to address some inner battles that have been occurring in my brain for quite some time. It left me rather exhausted, exhilarated, and lighter. One inner batter stemmed from the main inner battle. It is this main inner battle that I need to return to therapy for. But not yet. For now, it is under control. I am aware of it. I made a lot of progress in moving past it. However, I am not quite ready to talk, outwardly, about it. I apologize for being vague, but I know we all have these inner battles. You each have yours, and you understand that the timing needs to be right to bring it and release it into the air.

Soon. Just not yet.

I can do this

Like my singing, I am shy about my art ability. I know I am talented, but I do not feel like I am “be out there” talented. I follow several artist communities on Instagram, whose work is always amazing. I see what they post and I beat myself up because I feel that I am not as talented as they are.

Yesterday, I finished up a piece I am really proud of. It shows that I can do this. I can be an artist. I am riding an “I can do this” high right now. I want to ride this for as long as I can.

“The Fluffies” © 2016 Darcher

This painting, aka “The Fluffies,” is proof that I can do this. For me, it is.

Let us see how long I can keep this going.