Self created isolation?

I have no idea if I posted this before. It has been sitting, patiently, as a draft for over two years. Sure I can scroll back in my dashboard, to see if a version of this did get posted.

However, it feels relevant to now. There are no health issues this time around. Aside from a weird skin allergy and the aches and pains of starting up an exercise regime, I am pretty darn healthy.

I believe it is the isolation, that resonates. This time, though, I need it for creative purposes.

Anyway…

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Lately, I find it difficult to reach out to people I know. Family members, friends, health care providers, most people I need to keep in contact with all – all of these people I am having trouble reaching out to? I will stare at my phone, tell myself to call or text my aunt, for example. After about 30 seconds of this, I turn my phone off and I place it down. Sitting at my computer, I will open up my mail program, stare at the inbox, and nothing. I look at it and then I “Command + H” it and walk away.

Why am I having trouble reaching out to people? I have news to share, but I am not sure how to share it. Maybe that it is? No. It has to be something else. Like, the evil little depression that I have suppressed, or so I thought.

What I think happened is that with the good news, I got bad news, and some life changing news. My mind is not sure how to process it all.

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Dry cleaning words of wisdom

Make Change, Not Excuses.

Driving to the airport last Friday, the dry cleaner on the corner featured these “words of wisdom.” I had to laugh. I had spent the week leading up to that moment, asking my loved ones to make one less excuse a week.

It is a learned behavior. I inherited it from her. I still find myself making excuses from time to time. Ok, I still struggle with this, but I call it procrastination or laziness. I am really good at procrastination and laziness.

Wait, this is not about me. Maybe it is? Yes, it is about me, but through learned behaviors I inherited from my parents. So, it is about both my parents and me.

It is so much easier to make excuses than to take action and make change. Excuses are simple. You make them and you can not face the potential outcome of failure. Who wants to fail?

Lately, I fail. I fail a lot. I also learn a lot from my failures. I will continue to fail and I look forward to it. As I continue to fail, I will continue to change.

I actively make changes in my life, because I am tired of making excuses. The excuses only cause me to feel more depressed or overwhelmed. Change keeps me moving forward. Change energizes me. Change gives me the motivation to try new things.

Change has always had a positive outcome in my life, even when (at the time) I did not think so. It can be a bitch, making change. It requires energy. It requires determination and/or will power. It does not matter where you are in your life, you can make changes.

I want my loved ones to make less excuses and make more change. It is never too late (their number one excuse), it does not need to wait to happen until after “blank” has come to pass (their number two excuse),  and it does not have be overwhelming (excuse number three).

Want out of the rut? Tired of complaining about the rut you are in?

Make change, not excuses.

Goodbye 2013, hello 2014

2013 was a year that I consider to be one of the best and hardest years in my entire life. It all started with a desire to change. The first step was finally eliminating what bothered me first. Excess baggage.

I have always been a person that reflected too much on the past – wondering what could have been if I took a different path in life? I finally came to terms with my past, letting it go. I finally am not letting my past get in the way of living in the present, moving forward. Doing this has helped me meet the love of my life Ken Prush), reawakened the artistic me, and the strong me.

I might not know what the next month will bring for me and that’s ok. It will be a fun new world to explore.

Persevere.

After reading Jenny Lawson’s recent blog post, I felt a need to say something. I look back on the days when I felt this way, when I felt that there was no way out. It is a very dark place to be. There was no reason for it. My life was not terrible. I had good friends, a loving family and all the support I needed. However, in my mind, I felt I was a burden to those around me. They had their own lives to live, why should I force my troubles on to them? Why make them worry about me? I felt I was not worth it.

Fortunately, I was able to persevere and move past the feeling that the lack of self, the lack of emotions would never return. They can return. The will return. It will pass. I have found writing has worked the best for me. I sit down, and I write, either with pen and paper or via a keyboard. I keep writing, ignoring grammar or form. Once I feel a sense of clarity, I stop. I close the journal and I move on.

Sure, I still have my moments where I return to my dark place, but now I tell myself that it will pass. You have to tell yourself that it is “ok” to feel down every once and a while. In fact, allow yourself to feel down every once in a while. You are allowed to let your emotions or lack of emotions take control every now and then.

I share this because I know there are friends out there who have felt this way or are going through this. Life, your life is important. Your well-being is important. Every once in a while, it needs a reboot. Sometimes this is with exercise, sometimes through good old fashioned crying. Hell, screaming works too. Do what you need to do to get it out. Most important, realize that it will end. You will be better. You, too, will persevere.

Scattered no more?

I am hiding behind excuses. For two years, my posts here have been infrequent, sometimes filled with humor, sometimes frustration, and sometimes with reflection. I have been scatterbrained, to say the least. But there a reason – a theory, my theory – for it.

For the past decade + 3 years, I have been wandering around avoiding asking myself some deeply important question(s):

  • What is my purpose?
  • What is it I want to do in life?
  • What is my voice? My direction?

When I have tried to answer these questions, my thought process would fight and scatter my thoughts. I found venting about unfortunate souls who had a tendency to make an ass out of themselves in front of me. Instead of sorting out what to do next, I wrote about what the aroma of the gym during peak hours. By being scattered, I avoided

I have reached a point in my life where I feel I need to make some tough decisions. Either I continue to go with the flow, with minimal effort needed, continue to be disgusted with myself as well as continue to avoid the deeply important questions. Or, I push back against the flow, work hard, make some sacrifices, do what I know I should be doing, and feel emotionally satisfied.

Truth be told, I know what I need to do. Actually writing out, seeing it visually, instead of as a string of words within my head makes it real.

There is going to be a lot of changes going on. The complacency voice inside my head will put up a fight, but I will be strong. I am going to muzzle that little bugger.

You wait and see.

Itch I am trying to scratch

Have you ever had one of those itches that is just out of reach? You know, the one that you can just touch a corner of, making the itch a little more urgent to relieve with a good fevered scratch? You search endlessly around you for the right tool to do the job, alleviate the itch and release the ever satisfying sigh of relief.

I have one of those itches right now. Only it is not a literal itch, it is a life changing idea. It’s right there. I feel it. I see it. I believe it. Yet there it is, taunting me just out of reach. But I believe I might find the right tool soon to release the idea from where it sits, just out of reach, into my hands.

And it is going to feel good to finally reach.

12 steps to a better you…begin!

As part of my resolutions/goals for 2013, I vowed to take a look at my life. This is to be the last year of my thirties. I do not want to go into my 40’s looking back in regret, feeling sorry for myself, lacking confidence and pointing blame at every one else but myself. I want to go into my 40’s feeling strong and confident, proud of my choices, not afraid of what people think – even if my choices are against the grain. I would not be me if I was to fall in line like a lemming, now would I?

The first step was to find inspiration. I spent January reintroducing things that inspire me. My journal went with me everywhere in one form or another, waiting for that one moment when inspiration would hit. Whether it is bound or on my phone, I wrote down ideas, feelings, lists – anything that I want to preserve in written form. Then, on the weekends, I went to museums. I would wander from room to room, until I found the one piece that woke something up in me – Tall Figure IV by Alberto Giacometti at the Norton Simon Museum was the one such piece. I found my inspirational kickstart.

Finding inspiration will allow my dormant creative self to start the process of emerging from hibernation. It’s been a while since I lived a true creative life. The portrait of my nieces I created in December was initial nudge. But I still a more persistent nudge to wake up completely. While I allow my creative self to fully wake up, I decided that I am to spend the second month of 2013 looking at roadblocks.

The roadblocks are a little trickier. What are the road blocks? Negativity? Fear? Elitism? Doubt? Thankfully, I have the month of February to sort this out. Unfortunately, I have the month of February to sort this out.