Lost spoons, lessons learned.

Ever find yourself in a situation where you are interacting with a person you know well, or at least you thought you knew well? You look back on the time you knew this person and you remember something different. You remember a different person. You think know this person and then you do not. When or how did the knowledge change? Maybe you evolved and they regressed? You are not sure. 

It is unsettling to notice this. I suppose when you find yourself in a position where you are investing a large portion of your time (in this case, being awake) to this person that is can be unsettling. And tiring. How on earth is it so tiring? Why is interaction with this person so exhausting?

The interaction is now in the past, but you are still coping with the aftermath. You used up all your spoons and your reserves interacting with this person. My brain is walking in numerous directions trying to understand what happened? When did I stop knowing this person?

Instead of enjoying the moment, you are walking on needles, hot coals, and razor blades. You are willing yourself to be patient, to not lose your temper, and you count down the hours until the interaction is complete.

You want your spoons back. You want all of them back.

I want my spoons back. I will not get them back.

In the future, I will need to be more mindful of keeping my spoons for me.

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Self created isolation?

I have no idea if I posted this before. It has been sitting, patiently, as a draft for over two years. Sure I can scroll back in my dashboard, to see if a version of this did get posted.

However, it feels relevant to now. There are no health issues this time around. Aside from a weird skin allergy and the aches and pains of starting up an exercise regime, I am pretty darn healthy.

I believe it is the isolation, that resonates. This time, though, I need it for creative purposes.

Anyway…

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Lately, I find it difficult to reach out to people I know. Family members, friends, health care providers, most people I need to keep in contact with all – all of these people I am having trouble reaching out to? I will stare at my phone, tell myself to call or text my aunt, for example. After about 30 seconds of this, I turn my phone off and I place it down. Sitting at my computer, I will open up my mail program, stare at the inbox, and nothing. I look at it and then I “Command + H” it and walk away.

Why am I having trouble reaching out to people? I have news to share, but I am not sure how to share it. Maybe that it is? No. It has to be something else. Like, the evil little depression that I have suppressed, or so I thought.

What I think happened is that with the good news, I got bad news, and some life changing news. My mind is not sure how to process it all.

Sure you can, but why?

Just because you can, does not mean you should. I am talking about that moment when you do something, or you see something, and immediately you reach for your phone, opening up your social media app of choice.

Now, ask yourself, why am I posting this? Why is it, precisely, that I am compelled to share what I am seeing, or eating, or watching, or thinking is necessary online?

Have you ever thought about how with each thing you post, your online identity grows and grows. If someone were to pull all the posts you made, the images you upload, the “news” bits you share, the quizzes you took, etc and put together a profile of who you are, what would they see?

Is it a positive impression? Negative? Maybe it shows how much you love kittens? Or maybe it shows your narcissistic tendencies. Or your need to have your voice heard? Who knows what it would show. It could very well show how boring and lonely your life is. It could show how desperate you are for people to acknowledge you, no matter what for.

For each person it would show something different. And that is alright. It is great that we all have the ability to be heard, one way or another. I only ask, just because you can, does it mean your should?

Note: I was curious what my profile posts would say about myself, so I went through my feed, from the date of creation to now. It was very interesting. I posted more status updates when I was single and alone. When I started dating, the posts turned to article shares. The final interactions were the occasional comments on a friend’s feed. 

Of course, I will share it here, very soon.

How’s that tasting?

I enjoy baking my own bread. I like being in control over what ingredients go into my bread. I absolutely love the smell of loaf as is bakes in the oven. And the best part is the first bite, once it is cool enough to slice and eat. That being said…

Over the weekend, I baked a loaf of challah for my boyfriend. This time around, he asked me to add a little more sweetness to it. I did and we were both very eager to give it a taste. Breathing in the aroma while it baked made our desire to taste it increase. Finally the bread was done and cooling on the wire rack.

Usually, we allow the bread to cool down for fifteen minutes before we slice it up, or in this case, pull it apart. As my boyfriend takes a bite and starts chewing, this look comes over his face. I am not sure how to decipher it?

Me: “How does it taste?”

Him: “It tastes like hot.”

 

Thoughts along the way

There are several things that crossed my mind today.

  1. Some people will never see what is just beneath their nose. And most times, these people will be melodramatic at this “new” discovery.
  2. If US companies would hire US employees to do their telemarketing, instead of phone banks located outside of the US, I might be a little more friendly. Okay, who am I kidding? I would still be irritable and hang up.
  3. It really does not matter how much I like someone, or people, if they continuously take advantage of me and expect me to sit back and take it. Eventually, I am going to say “F-it” and walk away, for good.

A Fine Line

There is a fine line between being busy and pure lunacy. I carefully walked that fine line today. It was really difficult to remain balance, not leaning to one side or the other. I think the key is realizing when you need to stop, take a deep breath and regain your balance.

Only then, can you take a step forward without worry of falling.

Interesting little fact

I tend to write a certain style of post depending on the time of day. Early afternoon posts seems to be venting posts. Early evening tend to be light-hearted, while late night posts tend to be very introspective and philosophical. I suppose that posts I make at this time of night are realization posts.

In other news, the social experiment is going as expected so far. However, I have noticed that I have had little moments of acting the stereotype. I blame lack of sleep. Yup. Definitely lack of sleep.

Other, other news, I dreamt about yet another ex (or whatever he was from my past last night). I guess the past week is my reflect on and deal with the past week. Great. Well, I am done with it. No more. Moving on.