The Creative List

I’m a list-type person. Whether daily, weekly, errand-related, or whatever I feel I need a list for, I use lists to get shit done. It works. It works for me. I follow the list, I complete one of the items, I check it off and I move on to the next item. I remain calm, I feel like (as preciously stated) shit gets done. 

However, there is one list that I fear and avoid, except to add to. The “Creativity” list. 

You would think this is the one list I would love attending to the most, right? No. Instead, I am wary of it. Why? I am not sure, but the list has been growing. Finally, I am aggressively attending to checking items of said list. 

Here are the first two. 

Creativity List No. 1: Five of Wands Tarot.  I am not sure why I had this at the top of my list (again, I have had this list for a while).  So, here it is, the “Five of Wands”. Color pencil, ink, in paper. 

Creativity List No. 2: “Labyrinth as a background element”. For this piece, I thought about going the Henson route, draw Hoggle or Jared. I have to be honest with you — I am not a fan of the movie. I went with a favorite, Pan’s Labyrinth”. Ink on paper, featuring a lot of stippling. 

Tomorrow I start No. 3.

Stay tuned. I should have it done next week. 


Reset, version 2.0

Last week, I finally hit the reset button. Slowly, I am returning to some form of normalcy. And just in time for Gobble Day, no less, when I am going to need my sanity to get through it. Pretty sure, I will be able to put on my game face and move forward with out even a pause.

Last week, I finally hit the reset button. The past month was filled with too many different emotions. And I have had enough. I am back in to a routine where therapy is included and I am okay with that.

One thing that my family does not understand well is that talking to them about what is going inside my head does not help me. They are going to be biased. Their emotions will get in the way. They will try to offer ideas that helped them. The problem is that what might work for them definitely does not work for me. I need to be able to talk with a person who is outside of the situation. Someone who listens and can interpret what ever is in my head at that moment.

In the past two weeks, the two emotions I have felt the most were anger and frustration. The anger was associated with what I use to do for a living (Ha! I am still doing it, but it is the last project and then I am done). The mere thought of being a designer angered me. I will get to that in a minute.

The frustration, which I am still trying to contain is associated with my creativity. Before, I had no trouble with being creative. I always had ideas in my head and it was easy to get them out. These days, the ideas are less frequent. When they are there, I am afraid of them. I begin to question my abilities and I get frustrated. I know I am talented, but it has been suppressed for so long.

And here is where I return to that designer = anger part.

For over fifteen years, I have put my personal creativity on the back burner to create for others. It was two years for one company, followed by five years for another, eight for another, and finally the past year for several individual clients. I can count the number of times I painted or drew something in that time frame on one hand.

Sure, you can say that I was still being creative, but it was not for me. It was for others and it was strict – confined within very specific parameters. It was work. It paid the bills. Creativity, confined creativity, became a job for me. That is what angers me.

I am angry because I no longer loved being creative. Let me rephrase that. I was angry because I did not love being a creative person at that time. I was being someone else’s creative person.

I am frustrated because I let that happen. I did not continue being creative for myself. Now, I want that creativity for me to return, but it is not happening as fast as I want it. Wait, no I am frustrated because now that I can be creative for me, my brain is not letting me.

I can play the blame game and put the blame on others. However, blame does not solve anything. Looking at the past and feeling sorry for myself will not solve anything.

Hitting a reset and starting again, will. For me.

Lack or sleep plus procrastination equals good(?) results

I have not been sleeping too well this past couple of days, which is fine. There is a lot of craziness that is about to occur, so I hope that the adrenaline and the nerves can serve as my stay awake juice.

I am scattered and cohesive thoughts seems to have gone out the window. At least, it is temporary, right?

In honor of lack of sleep, another short post to show off further fun in procrastination. Apparently, my desire to procrastinate certain things (like telling my Maid of Honor that she needs to gets to write a speech, or writing my vows) leads to some pretPower Braceletsty good creative projects.

So, here is what procrastination resulted in this week.

Okay, signing off for a week.