Returning to momentum

I have not been writing much lately. Well, that is not true. I have been writing, but journal writing. The writing I mean is the non-journal writing. Most often, I tend to have items I want to write about pop up in my head while I am in the shower, or on a walk, or driving. I will tell myself to write about those items when I make it to my computer. When I do get in front of my computer, I end up forgetting what I wanted to write about. Or, I lose the interest, the focus to do it.

Then I play variations of solitaire for thirty minutes.

This bit of writing here? I started this a week ago, perhaps two. I cannot remember. All I can remember is that I started it during the month of February (I saved the document with the month and year).

Thankfully, at the top of this saved document, I put together a list of items I wanted to write about. I suppose I will readdress this document now, one topic at a time, and post as I go along. It is time to blog again. I have been ignoring this for too long.

Let us see where my ramblings started: Social Media. Ugh. Right. Ok, let us do this.

Social Media. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I hate how it consumes my time. However, I do not feel comfortable getting rid of it permanently. I tried that last year. Perhaps I will make a go of it this year, again. When I tried last year, I deleted a lot of people. And it felt good. I also logged out for several months. This also felt good. At one point, I had my account ready to delete. I paused. I truly wanted to delete it, I did. But, as I had my mouse cursor over the “Delete,” I found I could not do it.

So how does this relate to Social Media and keeping my account? Social Media is the only way I can interact with some people I want to keep in my life. It is easy and it requires minimal effort. I am not very good at communicating with people. I tend to be one of those “out-of-sight-out-of-mind” people. Unless people are directly in front of me, I might never talk to anyone outside my main comfort zone. There are a small amount people in my comfort zone. Everyone else is sort of outside of that, by degrees.

I do not like texting. I prefer emailing – long form works better for me. Unfortunately, I need to be in the mood to sit down and compose and email. As for phones? I do not like to talk on the phone. I suffer from low self-esteem when I email or text someone and I do not hear back in a timely manner. I become anxious. I start running through all these scenarios as to why they are not responding back. I question myself: Am I being a bad friend because I am not more adamant about getting in touch. Is it that I am choosing the wrong form of communication? So I be reaching out more, via more avenues? Am I the one in the wrong? But friendships should go both ways, right? They should at least acknowledge me as well, right? I am not wrong. At least write a quick reply, that they will get back to me at a later point.

When they finally do, I calm down, but by that time, my desire to talk is gone. I am drained, either from feeling anxious, or I am doing something else I need to focus my time on.

So, Social Media remains a part of my life, to ease my need to quickly communicate.

This is a good point for me to stop, for now. There are at least five more items I want to get out there, but not today.


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