I thought about writing more about my grandmother now that we know for sure how much longer she is going to be with us, physically (not much longer). The thoughts I have about my grandmother – I am not ready to share those yet. It is too soon and I, still, have so much to digest. In time, I will write about my grandmother.
Instead, I am going to write about inner dialogues. We all have them. I am referring to the inner dialogues you have after those kinds of emotional confrontations (or any conversation for that matter). Wait, I am not saying this right.
I am referring to the conversations you will have, if the opportunity ever arises, where you get to lash out or being in control of the conversation, saying your piece, and walking away knowing that you never have to thing about that part of your life again.
The inner dialogue I feel like getting out is the one I envision if I ever run into someone from my past. Without giving away too much (protecting the innocent here, like me for example), I present how I think this conversation will go.
Note: Names have been changed, again, to protect the innocent and the stupid alike.
The Scene: A totally weird and random place to run into someone whom you are never expecting to run into in this location. Let us go with a mall, no where near where this someone resides. I am wandering about when I almost walk into him while I head into a store.
Me: You know I hate that name. I would rathe you not call me that.
Derwood: Okay Fifi.
Me: And this is further proof while my life is so much better.
Derwood: What’s wrong Fifi. Not happy to see me? Your life is much better with me in it.
Me: Really? I should spend my life dealing with someone that picks on me all the time? Someone that does not respect me and does the exact opposite of what I ask?
Derwood: I am only teasing. I was only ever teasing. C’mon, Fifi, lighten up.
Me: Serioulsy? Lighten up? You are an ass. You are a pompous ass. Worst, you are a bully. A pompous assed bully. You walk around like you are the smartest person in the room. All the time.
Derwood: Now that, is not true. Well, not all the time.
Me: All the time. See? Worst part is how oblivious you are the the bullying and the aristocratic attitude. You do not give a shit about anyone else but yourself. You never listen to what other people have to say. You never really care about how other people feel. You make people feel bad about themselves. Worse, you make coerce people to see things your way. You manipulate. You take advantage of people’s emotions. You break them down.
Derwood: My, someone is acting a little irrational isn’t she?
Me: No, not at all. Remember during catalog production, when you would bring out the ruler to make sure everything was aligned perfectly?
Me: Then, you would say to me “Great job. Now do better next time.”
Derwood: I wanted you to always do better. There is no such thing as perfect.
Me: Right. So why the ruler then? Do you understand the damage that did? My next job, I made a mistake and I thought I was going to get disciplined. Instead, he told me everyone messes up every now and then. And you what I did then?
Me: I cried. I cried because I was conditioned to be perfect, by you. I did not know that it was okay to mess up.
Derwood: Well, that is not my fault. You are the one that is responsible for that.
Me: Sure, I admit that part of the blame goes to me, but the rest is all on you. My work was never good enough. It really fucked me up. However, it was not the thing that fucked me up the most. You know what that was?
Derwood: No, I do–
Me: It was you coercing me into being with you. The entire time, I felt so dirty, Whatever you want to call it, what we were doing made me feel dirty. Was my self esteem so low at that point? Was I so broken down by then?
Derwood: But you loved me! You said so, first.
Me: After you constantly urging me to say it. No. I did not love you. I love the idea of someone wanted me. I was not in love with the idea of being with you, a married man. I told myself I would never do that, and then low and beloved, I was that person. I hated myself more than I did before.
Derwood: I do not see how that could be blamed on me.
Me: Really? You do not see how you, taking advantage of an employee, telling her you will leave your wife – you would never leave your wife, EVER.
Derwood: I would have.
Me: No, Derwood, you would not have left her. So please, let us not pretend that the two of us would have ever been a forever thing. Thank the heaven it was not in the cards.
Now, as you can see, I am not so damaged anymore. Apparently, I could repair the damage you did. Now, I am happy. I am working on something that will lead to amazing things for me. am married to the most amazing person ever to be in my life. I have someone one my life who challenges me and loves me, encourages me and I would do anymore for.
Derwood: So, will does this leave us? Are you forever going to be mad at me?
Me: Mad? No. Have no respect for? Yes.
Derwood: Well then.
Me: Well then.
And, that is that.