Note: I am still working this out in my head. I have been working on it in my head for a few days. Mortality does that I think. In my dreams, it is showing itself with rage. When I am awake, I am distracting myself with keeping busy doing simple things, like errands and baking the traditional Czech Christmas bread my grandmother baked every year. Well, until she no longer could. And there is no recipe, it was in her head. All we know is it was a little bit of this and a little bit of that. So, mine is Internet-based, with I hope future edits from my mother. Here’s hoping. My grandmother has an endosocopy set up for this morning at 10:30 AM. She is 90. Her heart is weak. There is a chance she might not wake up. There is always a chance, I guess.
My grandmother is dying. She has been slowly dying for a while now. You can say she has been dying since my grandfather passed away at the end of 2008. However, this year, in particular, the pace has picked up.
Dementia. Kidney failure. No, not kidney failure but a renal artery blockage. And now, a mass in the esophagus. A pressure ulcer coccyx, perhaps? It could be. It could be something else. Whatever it is, my grandmother cannot eat, she can only swallow small amounts of liquid. Even then, she is throwing up. The only way to know for sure what it is, an endoscopy needs to be performed. What we do know, for sure, is she is slowly starving to death.
In October, at my wedding, I said “goodbye” to her. I told her to go and be with her husband, do not stay around for us. I feel she has been on borrowed time since. The slowness, it is taking its toll on everyone else. My grandmothers does not know. The dementia helps with that.
Yesterday, I found myself thinking about euthanasia. Why is it not okay to allow people, seniors for example, the choice to end their lives when their quality of life is so diminished. It should be that person’s right to make the decision for themselves.
Hunter S Thompson had it right. He went out on his own terms. My grandmother should be allowed as well.