Last week, I finally hit the reset button. Slowly, I am returning to some form of normalcy. And just in time for Gobble Day, no less, when I am going to need my sanity to get through it. Pretty sure, I will be able to put on my game face and move forward with out even a pause.
Last week, I finally hit the reset button. The past month was filled with too many different emotions. And I have had enough. I am back in to a routine where therapy is included and I am okay with that.
One thing that my family does not understand well is that talking to them about what is going inside my head does not help me. They are going to be biased. Their emotions will get in the way. They will try to offer ideas that helped them. The problem is that what might work for them definitely does not work for me. I need to be able to talk with a person who is outside of the situation. Someone who listens and can interpret what ever is in my head at that moment.
In the past two weeks, the two emotions I have felt the most were anger and frustration. The anger was associated with what I use to do for a living (Ha! I am still doing it, but it is the last project and then I am done). The mere thought of being a designer angered me. I will get to that in a minute.
The frustration, which I am still trying to contain is associated with my creativity. Before, I had no trouble with being creative. I always had ideas in my head and it was easy to get them out. These days, the ideas are less frequent. When they are there, I am afraid of them. I begin to question my abilities and I get frustrated. I know I am talented, but it has been suppressed for so long.
And here is where I return to that designer = anger part.
For over fifteen years, I have put my personal creativity on the back burner to create for others. It was two years for one company, followed by five years for another, eight for another, and finally the past year for several individual clients. I can count the number of times I painted or drew something in that time frame on one hand.
Sure, you can say that I was still being creative, but it was not for me. It was for others and it was strict – confined within very specific parameters. It was work. It paid the bills. Creativity, confined creativity, became a job for me. That is what angers me.
I am angry because I no longer loved being creative. Let me rephrase that. I was angry because I did not love being a creative person at that time. I was being someone else’s creative person.
I am frustrated because I let that happen. I did not continue being creative for myself. Now, I want that creativity for me to return, but it is not happening as fast as I want it. Wait, no I am frustrated because now that I can be creative for me, my brain is not letting me.
I can play the blame game and put the blame on others. However, blame does not solve anything. Looking at the past and feeling sorry for myself will not solve anything.
Hitting a reset and starting again, will. For me.