This past week continued the depression and malaise I have been battling since – well pretty much since last year. I have been making so many excuses to why I am out of sorts.
- My hormones are still out of whack one year after my surgery.
- No one wants to hire me (with exception to insurance companies sending out form letters that my design resume perfectly fits a life as an insurance agent).
- I do not have a professional purpose.
- I cannot create anything original.
- I do not exercise enough.
- I am tired. I am burnt out.
- I am lazy.
- Blah, blah, blah…
I can go on with this. We all can. Damn those little demon voices.
I finally figured out the root of my depression and it makes sense.
I no longer want to do what I have been doing since I graduated from high school. I am ending my career as a graphic designer. Done. No more. My outlook is brighter since realizing this. Sure I might be enjoying the initial “Eureka!” high, but I am also feeling that this time, I hit it. I figured out the culprit to my current depressive bout.
Initially, I started to write a very long-winded blog entry trying to explain why I am done with being a designer. It was like I had to justify to everyone why I am making this decision. I do not need to. Still, here is a abbreviated reason.
Being a graphic designer did not make me feel happy.. It has caused me stress and worry, the final results never gave me the creative high I was looking for. I was a graphic designer because that is what was expected of me.
Ah, doing something because it is expected of you. There it is.
The underlying thought behind it all: It was expected of me. Enter the plunge down the depression slide. That is something to work out in my personal journal.
I should bring this to a close.
An image comes to mind as I finish writing this week’s entry and that is the ending for every episode of the television series, The Incredible Hulk. David Banner (TV show, remember, not the comics or movies) walks down the road while a melancholy instrumental plays him off.
This week, instead of Banner, that is me. However, while the music starts off melancholy, it slows picks up its pace as does my step. Suddenly, I am skipping and it is the music during the ending credits for Little House on the Prairie.