The past week has been a mentally draining, more so than normal. It is getting better, but I still have a few unresolved items that I need to handle soon. And I will, if I can allow myself to.
The past is still causing me some distress and it is starting to get old.
I also am having a hard time with all the screaming coming from the apartment next door. Their child has two levels of existence, either screaming at the top of his lungs or laughing. The screaming seems to be more prevalent. He is outside, right now, with his parents, squealing.
Why do children squeal What is is about squealing? It is loud. It is piercing. It upsets me.
I need to write. But I am having trouble starting. I keep thinking about all the things I need to do. I think about all the things I want to do. I think about things I think I should do. I am asking myself questions without figuring out the answers.
This might mean that I spend a good chunk of my day sorting it all out. I am not sure I can go further, too much, without doing so.
But I feel like I need to be a productive member of society. I need to show my worth. I am not good at being one of those people that wakes up, stays in their pajamas and slacks off. I have tried it. I became even more depressed. I feel that I have to get up, have breakfast, get ready for the day and have a list of things I need to do for the day. I feel guilty otherwise.
Guilt. There is another big issue to add to the list of stuffs to work out.
I mean right now, as I tell myself this, I am thinking about what I need to do/want to do today:
- the mad lib thank you
- the dress alteration
- cleaning up the apartment
- empty dishwasher
- work on menu cards
- go to the craft store and get the vases and bags for M&Ms.
- write and get that better under control
What I want to do is:
- take a shower
- play more solitaire
- walk or not walk (I would have to go now)
- get my car washed
- sit and do nothing. which I have done enough of.
I can get this all done. But I need to write. I need to get myself in to a better state and habit where I write every day, in the morning, again. Maybe I do it before I even open up my laptop. Or if I write on my laptop I do it without checking my mail, etc.
Well, I need to shower. I feel dirty. That is going to be shouting at me more than anything else.
I got distracted again. See? I did it again. I need to start setting up a period when I wake up each morning and write. Just write. It does not matter what I write. I just need to write.
The same thing with my drawing. I need to do that too. I have the opportunity to do that.
And I am afraid to.
Fear. Another issue.