“Why is it I feel that nothing I do is right? ”
This one thought has done so much damage to me for months now. It planted itself in my brain, whispering at first. Now it is shouting at me with a bullhorn.
Nothing I did, I felt was right. During the past few months, any decision, any choice I had to make, I doubted I was doing it right. The few moments where I felt confident with my choices, someone was there to tell me otherwise. This is what my brain was telling me.
I am not good at anything.
Nothing I do is right.
Once thoughts like these make their way into my brain, it controls me. I become blind to everything else. Constructive conversation start fine, but then I will break down and cry. I am crying, again. Stop crying! Then I will cry more.
Something must have happened to me that put this thought into my head in the first place, right? But what? What was the moment in time that set me on this path to being so depressed, so down on myself, and so trapped in my own head?
A few months ago, I panicked and purchased a wedding gown. I was caught up in the moment. Since then, it has sat in the corner of my closet, hidden, not displayed. Why did I buy it? Why did I buy something that is not me? Why did I let my mother pay for it? Why did I rush into the decisions?
Why did I make such a big mistake? Of all the mistakes I could make, the dress? Oh lord. My mother paid for the dress. How do I tell my mother the dress is not THE dress? That I made a mistake? What was I thinking? Was I thinking at all? What was wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right?
Nothing I do is right. This dress is not the dress. I bought the wrong dress!
There! That last sentence in the paragraph above. That is it. It is the dress. The dress is the catalyst causing my recent turmoil and self-defeating behavior. I regret I bought it. The dress is not me.
The doubts in my head – the confidence to be creative, to be comfortable in front of the piano again, to draw & paint, and the inability to have one coherent thought. Also there is the gown related thoughts – wedding shoes are hideous, I cannot find shoes to complement the dress, why did I pick a gown with no back? It has no back? I hate dresses that lack a back. It has lace. When was the last time I wore lace? I look at this dress and I see everything that I am not. It. Is. Not. Me.
So, what can I do? The dress has been purchased. I do not want my mother to feel she wasted money? I feel guilt because I made her waste money of something I should not have committed to in the first place.
In my head, it is the end of the world. I have screwed up big time. I have made the ONE mistake I should not have made. My brain is telling me that it is a decision that I will have to live with.
I cannot do anything right.
But, I can, and I am. I can make everything right. The first thing is to regain control of my brain.
I can do the right thing. I can make the right decisions. I can make the right choices. The dress, is just a dress. I let it be more than that. I let it become something more. I let it become the symbol for my perceived failures and mistakes.
I let the dress evolve into a mental bomb, with a short fuse. This past week, the bomb detonated.
The good news is that the damage is much less severe than it could have been.
So what to do now? Make everything right.