While out for a walk the other morning, I found myself thinking about a past relationship that I was in. It was not really a relationship, but a fucked up situation I found myself in because of one reason, I was being paid attention to. I was falsely loved and I fell for it.
At the time, I was in my third year of feeling sorry for myself (self-inflicted depression). It was a bad time for me. I also found myself in a position I never thought I would find myself in, overweight. I could go into further backstory, but that is not what this entry is about. It is about the situation and why I found myself in it for 6 months.
It was a bad situation. The person I was involved with, came with complications I had a hard time casting aside – this person had a family (another place I thought I would find myself in). When I say I was really feeling low and at my lowest point, this was it. Well, this was the beginning of it. Amazing what low self-esteem does to people.
The attention was a drug. I was being paid attention to and I wanted more. I would believe anything he said. This person wanted to spend time with me. This person wanted to take me places. This person wanted to put me on a pedestal. Most alluring to me at the time, this person found me beautiful. That is a power drug to be hooked on. When someone finds you beautiful, when you are feeling low and ugly, you do not want to let that go, no matter how damaging it is to you and to others indirectly involved.
Fortunately, I was able to break away. I distanced myself from the situation. The first couple of months were hard. I would attend functions, to find the person was there. Even if I could not see him at times, the person would also make sure I knew he was there. It was creepy. It was sad. It scared me. I became very wary of going to certain places for fear I would run into him.
Nine years later, I am looking back at it, wondering if I need closure. I do not think so.
This person was arrogant. This person had the ability to turn around fault and make you feel like you were the bad person in the situation. This person was verbally abusive (you do not call someone you love and “idiot”). This person was making me ignore my values and I felt really dirty about being a part of the situation. He told lies I wanted to hear. He would never leave the life he had. Why? He was the alpha male, or at least he wanted to believe that.
No. I do not need closure. I do not need to confront someone that I have no respect for. Why make the effort to suffer like that again?
I find myself thinking back on it because it was the last time I allowed myself to be in a bad situation. By walking away, I began a journey to find myself, the person I once was, before all the self-inflicted misery began. Nine years later, the journey is almost at the end.
No, I am not the person I was before the misery. I am a better person. I am a stronger person. I am me, again, and it feels good.