Loss, depression, despair

As the world knows, an amazing, creative mind died yesterday. Robin Williams spend his lifetime making people around the world laugh, forgetting their own problems, if just for a 30-min episode, or a movie, or live event. It is truly devastating that the world could not do the same for him. It saddens me to no end how many creative and intelligent minds are lost to depression.

If you read any of my past posts, you can see depression has had its grip on me from time to time. Twice, in my life, I have even considered ending it all. There have been a few complete breakdowns where I did not see the “point of it all” any longer. Fortunately, or not, I worried more about the effect it would have on my loved ones and I never went through with it. I worried more about how they would be affected than how I was feeling. It is a little messed up, but it is what saved my from making a very drastic and permanent solution.

It has a pretty good grip on me right now. This year has been one of the roughest years I have had in a long time. There have been points in this year where I feel that the bad news and sadness is making up for the amazing year I had in 2013. It is a ridiculous way to think, but that is my depression for you.

It is hard to explain to a person, who has never really experienced depression how it feels or what it does to you. Sometimes, I find that depression has no good adjectives to describe it. Maybe hungry. Maybe gluttonous. Maybe ravenous. From my experience, depression is a hungry parasite that feeds on all the positive emotions and feelings I might have. It stalks my mind, silently, waiting for the right moment to attack and devour.

Anyone who knows me can agree I am an extremely emotional person. I react emotionally, more than I do rationally. My emotions vary from day to day, from hour to hour, minute to minute. I can wake up in a smile on my face, happy to see the trees swaying in the breeze outside my window. Within an hour, my eyes will be filled with tears, for no other reason than a voice pops into my head and tells me, in first person, “I am worthless.”

The battle with Depression is constant. There is never a moment where you feel that it is completely gone. It will always be there. The key is knowing how to fight it.

Being a creative person, I find creative outlets to keep my depression suppressed as best I can.

I write in a journal. I still feel that my journal is my best form of offense. It is the best place for me to release the thoughts depression puts in my head. It is also the best place, for me, to fight back. Releasing the thoughts to the page removes the power of the thoughts from my head. After writing, I feel relief, I smile again. I move on, feeling stronger.

Additionally, I write in this blog, I paint, I draw, I read, I go for walks, I watch existential movies, I bake bread, I clean my home – all of these help me.

Every now and then, I allow the depression to take over. When it does, I tell it “I will give you today, Depression, but tomorrow you will be gone.” For me, allowing the depression to have one day of feasting suppresses it longer.

It is a tough battle to fight. I know I will always be in a struggle with depression. I accept this. However, it does not mean that I will ever let it win.


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