Unsure

Getting settled in my new environment (finally) and I feel like the roller coaster that I have been riding this year is finally coming to an end. I am anxious to get off the coaster and start making my way to a new thrill ride. But what ride will that be?

I could go on using metaphors, give off the illusion that I am philosophical and thoughtful. Why? I feel like my constant use of metaphors when I write these entries is my way of avoiding what really is going on in my head. I am unsure.

I am unsure of whether I should remain in my profession. I am still recovering from a burnout that lasted several years. During those several years, I began to doubt my talent. I did not have time to develop it further. I worked at a feverish pace, doing the job of at least three people, while at the same time handling tasks that should have been designated to at least two other people. I performed triage. That’s the best way to describe my work during those years. It was design triage. Thankfully, I am pretty good while working under pressure, but being under pressure every work day, for four years, five years, begins to eat away at you. Maybe I am a masochist. I don’t know. No matter, it left me drained, exhausted and as I originally stated, unsure that being a designer is what I want to continue on a full time basis. Which leads me to my next moment of being unsure. This blog.

I am unsure of what direction I want this blog to take. Initially, my plan for my blog was to create a story within the blog based on journal entries I compiled over the years while working at my last job. I worked with some interesting people there, and the journal referenced them on a daily basis. Let me state here that my tolerance of people that don’t make an effort (in any sense of the word “effort”) is low. So, my observations depict these people in a rather negative, however amusing, way. Well to me at least. So, that was my initial ideal for starting Breathing Causes Cancer. But, as time went on, I found that this blog was a good place for me to voice my irritations, about them, about other people around me, about me. It turned into something that was initially suppose to be funny and light-hearted into something negative and sad. Yes, I look back and past posts and it is sad. The girl who wrote those entries is sad, and afraid. Some posts are funny. Some have a good point. But overall. If I could wipe out all my past entries and start again. But should I? And if I do, what direction do I take this blog? Do go with the ideas I have been muling over? Additional pages? Add photos? Again, I am unsure.

My art. I am unsure of my art. What direction do I want to take my art? And if I stick to my art? Am I willing to share my art with others, outside my circle of friends and family? Unsure.

I am sure that my sub-headline does hold some truth when it comes to my entries: Musings from a Scattered Brain. It true. My mind is all over the place. Maybe that is the focus? Maybe bit? Again, unsure.

I have to figure all this out. No more hiding behind metaphors. No more hiding behind others. Turkeys? There will be turkeys. There will also be goose poop. There will be humor. Humor I am sure of.

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